Why Givers Win In the Marathon of Life

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Written by Julia Song – – –

My mother has taught me an expression “shǒu zèng méi guī, liú yǒu yú xiāng” (手赠玫瑰，留有余香), which is Mandarin for “in the hand that gives a rose, the fragrance will remain”. Having recently read Adam Grant’s Give and Take, I’ve come to a new appreciation of what it means to give. Grant adds that being a giver means a network that celebrates their successes, a reputation of being big-hearted, and a virtuous cycle that may transform others into givers as well. Especially faced with an uncertain future under the global pandemic, givers have the power to transform societal norms and create uplifting communities in the new global order.

The 3 Reciprocity Styles

People predominantly display one of three reciprocity styles.

  • Givers help others when others’ benefits exceed their own personal costs. Sometimes, they expect nothing in return. 
  • Takers help others strategically. Their personal benefits outweigh the personal costs.
  • Matchers attempt to strike a balance of giving and receiving with others. 

Givers End Up on the Top and the Bottom

Through numerous research and case studies in varying professional fields such as finance, politics, and sports, Grant demonstrates that givers end up at the top and bottom, while takers and matchers end up in the middle, stuck with mediocrity.

Let me repeat . . . givers end up at the top AND  the bottom. More on that later.

Understanding these reciprocity styles is important in managing work and life relationships. Life is not only a series of zero-sum sprints, but a marathon of interactions that compound over time. Single victories may feel good in the moment, but it takes time for trust to build lasting relationships and glowing reputations. Such things are best solidified and embellished with the mark of a giver, whereas takers expect to receive more than they get and matchers operate on the exchange of favors. 

Navigating the pre-professional business world as a student studying finance can be intimidating. In my own internship search, I’ve found professionals who go out of their way to point me in the right direction. Speaking with junior and senior professionals has been extremely beneficial to me, as well as my business school peers looking for internships or industry-specific advice. A virtuous cycle of a giving community emerges, as we intend to pay it forward like our predecessors upon entering the workforce. I’ve been happy to connect my peers with my past work and internship opportunities as well, and I am excited to share my insights as I learn more about the finance world.

Life = Zero-sum Sprints?

In some ways, the world seems to mirror zero-sum transactions, in which one party’s gain is another party’s loss. Workplaces and schools may respectively adopt forced rankings and grading curves. These circumstances seem to guarantee a fixed pie, in which one person’s benefit is to the other’s detriment, such as the common grading curves at business schools. Even in day-to-day interactions, zero-sum situations are common, as we come into contact with many strangers whom we may never see again. Such an environment breeds most people to become matchers, as supported by Nobel Prize-winning Princeton psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s ultimatum game.* 

*Kahneman’s ultimatum game exposed the tendency of people to use matching reciprocity styles. In the ultimatum game, the person across from you makes a proposal for dividing $10 between the two of you, which you could either accept, or reject and walk away from the money. Rationally speaking, you would accept the proposal. However, the study demonstrated that the proposal was rejected by the vast majority of people when the stranger proposed $8 or more to their own benefit. Interestingly, the common action of rejecting the imbalanced proposal was not out of spite or revenge, but from a sense of core values encompassing fairness, equality, and reciprocity.

Life = Marathon?

What’s the other side of the argument?

Today’s world is a service economy. Services made up about half of the world’s gross domestic product (GDP) in the 1980s, and a few points over 60% in 1997 and close to 70% by 2015 (Deloitte Insights). We have never been more of an interconnected global society.

Through my previous internship and work experiences, I’ve witnessed the greatest successes in companies whose culture is truly relationship-driven. To do well in business today, it requires trust and relationship-building, which means treating business partners and clients as close friends.

Our networks make us who we are in some ways, and according to Grant, those networks differ based on whether you are a giver, taker, or matcher.

  • Givers and takers may have similarly large networks.
  • Takers must constantly replenish their networks after frequently burning bridges and doing damage control with their reputation.
  • Matchers feel that they need to reciprocate acts, and this results in a smaller network from the pressure of the norm of reciprocity.

The essential currency of trust is nabbed when we begin to feel that others are taking advantage of us, and with deteriorating trust, relationships begin to suffer.

While it seems that givers lose the leg race time and time again, they actually benefit others and themselves tremendously in the marathon of life. It is often the people we feel most comfortable with and the most successful who are the givers in our lives, and we share in the ripple effects of their achievements.

How Givers Can Win

Grant distinguishes the givers that end up at the top and bottom of the ladder as otherish givers and selfless givers. Some of the societal stigma of being a giver may stem from some givers ending up in the bottom.

  • Givers on top are otherish: care deeply about others and themselves.
  • Givers at the bottom are selfless: have high other-interest and low self-interest.

It is important to recognize that Grant’s proposed giving lifestyle does not guarantee automatic success. It takes mental acuity to discern wise investments in others and a personal commitment to giving values, even when you may be wrong in your investment. Being a giver also means being a risk-taker, being comfortable in being uncomfortable, and seeing potential in others even when they may not. Frequently, the best mentors exhibit these characteristics, as they will advocate tirelessly for their mentees and afford them the best opportunities, even at a higher personal cost. 

What This Means

The lessons of being a giver cannot ring more true, especially under the quarantine stay-at-home orders and living in the COVID-19 pandemic. I have witnessed many acts of kindness online throughout these past few months.

  • A cardiovascular nurse who contracted the coronavirus herself was awarded a $10,000 Postmates certificate to feed her and her children.
  • Community sign-ups have circulated for neighbors to commit to ordering out at least once a week in order to support local businesses.
  • Business executives and university officials have taken pay cuts to avoid lay-offs and salary reductions of their workers.
  • Nonprofit organizations, including churches and charities, have organized food donations for families and baby supply drives for mothers.

These kindnesses will not be forgotten, but will help to shape the post-pandemic world in substantial ways through the hope they offer.

In a world of unrest, a giving attitude is needed for compassion, love, and goodness to rule and set an example for the next generation. Taking and matching could be dangerous and detrimental behaviors in the months and years of rebuilding our post-pandemic world, since it would disrupt the virtuous cycle of magnanimity. It is time to unite and help one another.

As people, we have a responsibility to show solidarity to one another, especially under times of trouble. We shouldn’t be fearful to get the short end of the stick at times. We need to show others the care we do for ourselves in this marathon of life, championing a new global order of a more giving society.

How Can We be “Otherish” Givers?

Works Cited